My Name is Ronald Bilius Weasley
by FelsGoddess
Summary: It all started with an evening with Mr. Granger... Humor fic. Takes place in the 24 hour period of the Ron/Hermione wedding.


Title: My Name is Ronald Bilius Weasley  
Author: FelsGoddess  
Timeframe: post-DH  
Characters: Ron, Harry, Hermione, ect.  
Summary: It all started with an evening with Mr. Granger...  
Notes: Response to the Funny Quote Challenge.

_50. I am planning on taking over the world. So far I have a pack of skittles, a bottle of vodka, and my broom. I just need some sidekicks. Who's in?_

My name is Ronald Bilius Weasley and today was my wedding day.

As all my brothers, except Charlie, told me, weddings never go as planned. I wish I had listened. I started the day feeling pretty damn good. I had gone out the night before and cured my hangover. The intimate garden wedding was falling into place. I was going to marry Hermione Granger, the love of my life, my taskmaster. (I know, I know, that sounds mean, but without her telling me what to do, I'd have failed so many classes.) It should have been a cakewalk. I mean, I've only loved her since I was eleven. How hard is it to say "I do?"

Apparently, very.

I suppose I should start at the beginning. It all started with a bottle of vodka. It seems all stories of this nature start with liquor.

_Twenty-four hours ago_

"Come on, Ron. Mr. Granger is meeting us at that muggle tavern in London," Harry called out. I had to hand it to Harry. He was an awesome best man. He did everything we've asked to make sure this wedding goes off perfectly. Hermione thinks he is being a good friend. I know better. He's trying to take some of the pressure off him and Ginny. Mum will start harassing us about populating the globe. I see you right through you, Mr. Potter.

Harry snatched my arm and apparated. He knew where this pub was. You see, Hermione wants me to make nice with her dad, which I am totally fine with. I am not at all feeling guilty bringing his only child more into the wizarding world. Nope, not at all.

Okay, maybe a little, but don't tell. If George found out I had a "sensitive" bone in my body, I'd have a whole new line of products at WWW called "Weeping Won-Won" modeled after me. (Okay, this did come up once, but that's not what this story is about. Moving on.)

Anyways, I offered to go out for a drink or two with Mr. Granger before the big day. Harry offered to come, which made Mr. Granger's day. He always liked talking to Harry more than me. Hermione says it's because Harry grew up like a muggle. Personally, I think it's because I'm marrying his daughter, but whatever.

We arrived at the pub and sat down for a drink. I drank this clear liquid called vodka. Now, I can handle my liquor just fine, but this was not liquor. It dreamt of being good liquor. Hell, it dreamt of being mediocre liquor. Not I'm not picky. I'll drink just about anything, but this was just awful.

At first. After about the fourth shot, I didn't care. It's all Mr. Granger's fault. He tried to kill me with alcohol poisoning. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. At least, except with Hermione. Let's just keep this between you and me, okay? Good.

After we left the muggle pub, Harry dragged me to a Wizarding establishment whose name I have forgotten. We met my brothers, Neville and a bunch of people we apparently went to school and worked with. Like I said, I was under the influence of some type of poison. I don't remember much of evening. I think we drank firewhiskey. Or it could have been colored water, who knows. All I know is that I felt like crap by the time Harry and I reached his flat. Ginny was staying with Hermione to help her get ready in the morning. Harry dragged me through his house and shoved me towards the couch. I remember this part distinctively because when he pushed me towards the couch, I tripped on the coffee table. I have a huge knot on my shin.

Thank you, Harry.

Anyways, the next morning, today, I woke up with a killer headache. I took some potion and bam, no more hangover. I trudged into the guest shower and cleaned up. My fancy robes were hanging up in the closet of the guest room. It would have been more comfortable to sleep in there, but walking from the couch to the bedroom last night wasn't going to happen. I dressed in the robes and went into the kitchen where Harry was eating a breakfast casserole Mum sent over.

We ate, and then I realized I needed to find Hermione's ring. He searched through my robes. Nothing. Next, I went through my clothes from last night. I pulled out a red bag filled with colored small candies.

"Harry! What are these?" I shouted. He poked his head in the room and said, "Skittles. Muggle candy. You bought some off some kid."

"I bought candy off a kid?" I asked. Harry just shrugged and left the room. That's the problem with alcohol. It makes you forgot doing stupid stuff. Now, I am not going to blame the alcohol for making me do those things. I would do those things anyway. The alcohol just erases it from my mind. It makes it much harder to cover up my mistakes.

Right, so moving on. We got to the Burrow in one piece. Mum, Fluer and Mrs. Granger were setting up the wedding and reception. I was forced to go wait in the barn. Like livestock. I thought the groom was somewhat important. Guess not.

So I'm hanging out in the barn, checking out of all Dad's new items, when Charlie and two weird looking men walk in. I had no idea who they were, but that's no surprise. You help Harry Potter save the world and suddenly you are a celebrity.

"Ron, these men say you hired them last night," Charlie explained, looking perplexed. I should point out that Charlie doesn't remember much when he drinks, either.

"Huh?" I responded. Again, this is why I shouldn't drink so much. I do stupid stuff and forget about it.

"Boss, you said 'I am planning on taking over the world. So far I have a pack of skittles, a bottle of vodka, and my broom. I just need some sidekicks. Who's in?'," the stocky one with beady eyes said.

Well, that explained the Skittles, I thought to myself, but why is he calling me boss? I asked, "What exactly did I hire you to do?"

"To take over the world," the tall skinny one said. "You said you wanted to overthrow the Ministry."

I wanted to slap myself. What in the world was I thinking? Mr. Granger had to be behind his. This was his revenge. Get his future son-in-law drunk and then make him plot to overthrow the government. Fantastic. I had to hand it to him. It was a hilarious plan. If it had happened to someone else, say Percy, it'd been great. Not so funny when it was me.

"Uh, I don't want to take over the world," I mumbled, sounding like a complete idiot.

The two men looked shocked. They proceeded to tell me what plans they had made and everything. I gave Charlie a look. He was trying very hard not to laugh. When I say trying very hard I mean not at all.

I gave up and left the barn. What a mistake. Mum, Fleur, Mrs. Granger and Ginny started screaming at me to get out. I couldn't see anything. Last time I checked, it was Hermione I wasn't supposed to see, not everything else. I started shouting back.

Not a good idea. Fleur about ripped my head off. Bill came to my rescue and promised to keep an eye on me. He escorted me to my old bedroom. I then told him about the crazy men in the barn. He was no help. He just laughed. Some brother, eh?

I stayed locked up in my room until it was time for the ceremony. Bill and George unnecessarily blindfolded me and we went to the garden. I stood up by the muggle holy man, whose memory would later be wiped, and the representative from the Ministry. Everyone took their seats and the ceremony began.

Now I'm not going to get all mushy and crap because it'd be bad if George heard about it. All I am going to say is that Hermione looked amazing. I am one lucky wizard.

About halfway through the ceremony, where I did not cry, the two men from the barn jumped up from their seats and yelled. Suddenly, several members of the Auror department appeared and tackled them to the ground. Right in the middle of the wedding. Hermione turned and looked at me with a glare. I knew that glare. It was the you-are-in-so-much-trouble-Voldemort-seems-like-a-stuffed-bear glare. Everyone shrinks from that look. It's damn scary. I admit, I thought it made her look sexy. I mean, let's face it. During most of our lives, she has been glaring at me. Of course I'm going to find it attractive.

This is, by the way, a bad thing to say during your wedding vows.

After the two crazy men were caught, the wedding continued. Hermione had calmed down. Her anger reappeared when I said the pervious mentioned comment about her glare. My brothers, Harry and Ginny were all trying not to laugh. I was praying the earth would swallow me.

Needless to say, her vows changed. She said something about loving me despite my "idiotic tendencies" and what not. Luckily, she cooperated in the kiss. See, if there is one thing I am good at, it's kissing. I've had a lot of practice, what with Lavender and all. Don't say that to Hermione. She will do much worse than send some canaries after me. Not that I know or anything. It's just a guess. Yeah.

After the ceremony, Hermione dragged me into the house and demanded an explanation. Unfortunately, I didn't have one. She stormed out of the house, muttering about men and alcohol. I followed her and we went to our reception. I suppose it's only fitting that we had a fight during the wedding. After all, that's what we do. The aftermath of the fight is much better now, at least.

The reception went fine. It's amazing how she managed to stay near each other and yet completely ignore me. Even when we kissed, she was ignoring me. That's a true feat. That's my Hermione, though. She's truly is the smartest witch out there.

Towards the end of the reception, after she had shoved cake into my face with excessive force, I found myself dancing with Fleur. Dancing with Fleur is difficult. She's so good at it that I felt like an idiot. It doesn't matter, though, because everyone is looking at her. I executed a good spin and Bill caught her. Charlie whirled by and deposited Hermione in front of me. I offered her my hand and we began to dance. I blurted out an apology and she forgave me. I guess Harry and Bill had filled her in on some of the events. Nobody would tell me.

We danced and had a great time. We left the reception and went to this cottage we were staying at for a few days. I had completely forgotten about the fight. Stupid me.

We weren't in the room for five minutes when she let me have it. I listened to her rant for quite some times before I got an idea. This was our wedding day. She should be looking forward to all the romance and crap girls like. I walked over to her and kissed her.

I can't believe it worked. She stopped fighting with me. I'm pretty sure she took her frustrations out on me, but that's okay.

Everything seemed fine until there was a knock on the door. It was the Ministry, coming to arrest me for conspiracy. Nothing angers a woman like having to get dressed before the authorities burst into the room on her honeymoon. There was that glare again.

Where am I now, you ask? I'm sitting in a cell at the Ministry while Hermione and my boss from the Auror Department argue my case.

Needless to say, I will never go out with Mr. Granger again.


End file.
